Musings On Becoming Edward Cullen

a) Have incredible hair

Sadly, this is going to be a problem for me. As anyone who's seen me in the last, oh, 10 years could tell you, my hair is an endangered species. I've tried my best to protect it and keep it from extinction, but it's at a dangerously low level and has yet to breed in captivity.

b) Be athletic

Not only does Edward Cullen play baseball, he plays it at supersonic speeds. If this is (as I've come to believe) a factor in the development of my dreaminess I am, in a word, screwed. Oh and to add insult to injury he can stop minivans with his bare hands AND juggle apples on his feet just for kicks and giggles. I'm doing well if I can open a jar of Miracle Whip without someone stopping and offering me a hand because they "feel like it's the right thing to do." 

c) Have an undiagnosed borderline case of Aspergers Syndrome

What's Aspergers Syndrome you ask? Basically it's borderline Autism and is defined by a failure to react appropriately to social interaction and may appear as a total disregard of other people's feelings to the point of total insensitivity. Referenced from DSM-IV: 

"People with AS may analyze and distill their observation of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines and apply these rules in awkward ways-such as forced eye contact-resulting in demeanor that appears rigid or socially insensitive. The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others, a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture."

 

I'm not sure this is such a bad thing to NOT be. However the flock of sweatpant wearing 50 year olds who swooned over Mr. Cullen tonight at the Fair Oaks Theater leads me to believe that I may be even more off the mark of what women want than I previously believed. 

If you can live up to these terrific standards, congratulations!! You're Edward Cullen. No one else could possibly be that, well, DREAMY.